The Mysterious Joke about Ileya Ram.
Wasiu!! Father shouted my name from his rickety space wagon.
Sah!! I answered, father called me to come and untie the ram he bought from the boot of his car. With joy and speed Usain Bolt will be jealous of, i dashed off to meet my father who was struggling to open the door of the car.
Open the boot and carry the ram, he ordered. I opened the boot and saw something that looked like something straight from a horror movie. I recoiled with fear because looking at the thing father called ram gives me goose bumps. I don't really know how to describe the ram, its four legs are bent in way that makes it look the way our girls take pictures now. The legs are so thin i wondered if they would be able to move an inch. Mucus is dripping from its nose and with its bulging eyes that seems to remind of Arinze. Its horn, i dont know what to call that thing but it gats to be horn, stood straight but so thin like the toothpick father uses even if he has only drank water. I starred at it wondering how father could have made mistake of buying such a horrible ram.
You like am? Father's voice brought me back from my thought
Yes na, na fine ram o. Truth is, in my house, you dare not condemn what father liked or like what he condemned. Don't ask me why please.
Na the best ram for there i buy o you no see meat for him body, i go tell your mama make she use the head prepare isi-ewu for me. Father exclaimed happily. I look at the ram again to be sure it is the same ram i am looking at father is talking about, i looked at father to see if he has started using glasses. This ram is so thin you could count the remaining bones in its body, infact i wonder if we need to kill it before butchering it.
Oya bring am down and look for a good place to tie it, make sure u tie it well o. He stressed the last part, pulling his ear to let me know what is in it for me if i don't tie it well.
No way in hell i am touching this thing, i said within myself. Infact let me go and call mama. I dashed off again with another usain bolt speed to call mama to come and see the scary thing father called ram.
Mama was happy father bought a ram especially in this Buhari's era, like a flash, mama caught up with me and we both stood before the cause of my nightmare.
Allah Akbar!!! What is this? Mama asked
Ileya ram, i replied!!
Is this what your father bought, why is it looking like the thing alfa asked us to pray against, are you sure this is a ram or someone changed into this....? Mama asked so many questions i dont know which to answer first.
There is no way you are bringing this into this house, look for a way to make this thing leave here before i come back. She ordered
But father said i should tie it behind your stall, i replied
What!!! You will do no such thing, she said and went away.
Scared to touch the ram, i went inside the car and found a way to release the ram without touching it. It fell with a thud i thought would kill it. I led the ram with a stick like the fulani would do to a place i can tie it down. The ram walked as if it will die if it take just one step but it got to where i am to tie it down successfully with just a breath left in it. I tied it down the way one would tie a shoe lace, careful not to let my hand touch it and bounced off to play.
Una don buy ram? Sadiq my friend asked.
No, papa just go buy am. How will i tell my friend father came home with an HIV infected ram? The jests and mocking no go ever finish.
I got home to meet father and mama arguing about the ram, with mama telling father her pots won't be used in cooking the ram.
Oya Wasiu come and show me where you tie the ram, father ordered.
I took father to the backyard where i led the ram to show father.
Where the ram now, father asked
E dey here o, i blinked refusing to believe that the ram i tied just a few hours ago is gone.
Show me now, father said. Grabbing my shirt incase i decided to make a run for it. The slap from father hardened hand didn't let me finish my statement.
But i tied it here, i said weakly while i continue to block father's slap, mama did not even come to my rescue like she always does, i guess the ram gives her nightmare or eveningmare too. I managed to escape father's grip and dashed off immediately. I can hear father telling me not to return home unless i found his beloved ram. What will i use to entertain our Asalatu group if they come and visit me, he ranted on and on.
So please if you find a ram with four bent legs and a toothpick horn with its bones so visible you dont need an xray, please contact the nearest police station, army barracks and OPC station, forget about how it will get to me. We are resuming next week and father has decided not to pay my fees unless i bring back his ileya ram. Pls help a brother.laugh
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